How to Teach Your Child Table Manners (And Why You Should!!)

Have you ever felt a twinge of embarrassment when you think of taking your child out to a restaurant? The anticipation of the less-than-perfectly chewing-with-the-mouth-open, grabbing-and-whining at the table drops a lump into your stomach so solid, that you can’t even finish your own meal! But you’re not alone. Teaching children table manners seems to have gone by the wayside in this era of feelings-based permissive parenting. But it is entirely possible to raise polite, confident kids who shine at any family dinner or special occasion. Rejoice!

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Why Are Table Manners So Important?

Parenting comes with responsibilities, not only to one’s own child but also to one’s fellow citizens. Chief among these is ensuring that your children do not disrupt other people—especially in places like restaurants, where people have paid not only for good food but also for a chance to enjoy it in a pleasant and peaceful atmosphere.

When children, well-trained from a young age, behave with quiet discipline, especially in public, it reflects their parents’ respect for others. This isn’t an unattainable ideal–it’s a simple matter of courtesy. And failing to teach such courtesy to children? Well, that is not only disrespectful but also entirely uncivilized–and definitely unbecoming to both your children and yourself.

The problem with loud, rude, selfish children isn’t the children, however. The issue lies squarely with the parents–parents who are oblivious to the fact that raising children carries obligations that extend beyond the home. Parents who recognize this truth raise well-disciplined, happier children. Indeed, teaching discipline and respect is one of the greatest gifts a parent can offer their child.

As my mother often reminded me, good citizenship begins at home. And one of its earliest tests occurs in a nice restaurant. If your children cannot meet that test, the solution is simple: don’t bring them. If you bring them and discover you were overly optimistic, remove them. The same goes for eating at home, too! Who more deserves respect, and good behavior than you and your husband?

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At What Age Should I Start Teaching Table Manners?

To start with, feed an infant separately, not during the family meal. Do it while you prepare the family’s meal to eat right afterward, so that your focus is not entirely on the child. Feed the child a bite, then get up and do something else, then come back and feed another bite, and so on. As soon as possible, introduce finger foods so that the child begins getting used to self-feeding. Pay no attention to how much he eats. Don’t encourage or entice or act like an eating-cheerleader. Finally, when he seems done, let him down. Whether a baby eats a lot or a little, he will satisfy his hunger.

By the time a child reaches her second year, she is already learning from watching the adults around her, so take time to show her how adults hold utensils and eat neatly–but don’t feed her! Whether it’s using a fork and spoon in an American home or chopsticks in an Asian household, these small skills are picked up by observation and imitation. Manners, too, are first learned in this quiet, watchful stage. Saying “please” and “thank you,” sitting politely, and managing utensils are all behaviors that begin forming long before a parent sees outward signs of success. By simply watching, the child learns that these habits carry an unspoken power, a sort of magic, that makes the household run smoothly and pleasantly.

By the fourth or fifth year, the groundwork laid by this imitation begins to bloom, and a child is ready to move to the family table. A child who has watched her parents fold their napkins will now proudly fold her own, eager for your approval. This is the golden time to offer encouragement and praise. A simple, delighted “You folded your napkin! Well done!” reinforces her efforts and makes the practice of good manners a source of pride. Shared family meals—distraction-free and television-free—are critical for natural modeling and learning, helping a child of the chance to absorb the social graces that bind family and society together.

You can’t force good manners onto an unwilling teen, but you can guide her to see their value. In a quiet moment, explain your concern: “There will be people in your life you’ll want to impress or win over, and little things like good manners can make a big difference.” The idea is to inspire, not to humiliate.

If clumsiness is an issue—perhaps paired with poor posture or difficulty with fine motor skills—you might consider whether a physical delay is contributing to a problem with table manners. This sort of thing can be overcome with practice and occupational or physiotherapy as needed. When my children had these problems, I used activities from The Out-Of-Sync Child Has Fun by Carol Stock Kranowitz.

7 Tips For Teaching Your Child Perfect Table Manners

Teaching manners the old-fashioned way requires consistency, patience, and a firm yet loving hand. The rewards—well-mannered children who bring grace and respect into their world—are worth every effort. Here are 7 tips to help you succeed.

1. Set High Expectations

Manners and respect are inseparable, and they begin at home with you. Your child’s respect for others grows out of their respect for you, and this respect is cultivated by teaching and expecting proper behavior. For instance:

• Children should never call their parents—or any adult—by their first names.
• Interruptions of adult conversations are unacceptable unless there’s an emergency.
• Tantrums should not be permitted, and by the age of three, they must be a thing of the past.

Teach your child to respond politely to adults, including yourself, with “Yes, Sir” or “Yes, Ma’am.” When an adult speaks, your child should listen attentively—sitting quietly or looking at the speaker while being addressed. Instructions from adults should be followed immediately, respectfully, and without complaint. Set this standard early and stick to it; it’s as simple as that.

2. Give Yourself Grace

There’s wisdom in delaying your child’s participation in family meals until they are mature enough to behave properly. I believe that waiting until the age of four or so is often best. Until then, let your child eat separately. This allows you time to enjoy your own meal in peace—a small act of self-care that benefits everyone. When your child does join the table, they’ll civilize quickly with your guidance.

3. Teach One Thing at a Time

Don’t overwhelm your child—or yourself—by trying to teach too many social skills at once. Begin with table manners. Once they’ve mastered those, move on to phone manners, greeting etiquette, or whatever you deem most important next. Focus ensures success.

4. Praise Success

Whenever your child demonstrates good manners, whether at home or in public, praise them immediately. Early on, consistent positive reinforcement helps solidify their understanding of proper behavior. Even older children need to hear your approval now and then—it reminds them their efforts are noticed and valued.

5. Be Patient with Mistakes

Mistakes will happen. Approach lapses with tolerance, but never overlook them. Correct gently and privately, especially in public settings. A firm reminder may be necessary at times, but remember that your child wants to please you. Patience fosters progress, and kindness is always more effective than harshness.

6. Provide Subtle Prompts

When your child forgets a social rule, a quiet prompt can make all the difference. For example, if they forget to shake hands when meeting an adult, you might say softly, “What do we do when we meet someone older?” This approach corrects without shaming, helping your child learn gracefully.

7. Be the Example

Finally, your actions must mirror the behavior you expect from your child. A “do as I say, not as I do” approach will never work. Show your child what good manners look like in practice by consistently demonstrating them yourself. Respect is a two-way street; if you treat your child with courtesy and kindness, they will be far more inclined to return the favor.

Vintage Table Manners Your Child Should Know

Good manners at the table are the hallmark of a well-raised child. They show respect for others, foster self-discipline, and preserve the pleasantness of mealtimes. Teaching these habits requires consistency and a touch of the old-fashioned charm, but the results are worth it. Let’s break down the rules that turn mealtime into a refined and gracious experience:

1. Come to the Table with Clean Hands and Face

Before sitting down, make sure your child looks right. For a girl, that means a clean dress, washing her hands and face and combing or arranging her hair. (Remember to lead by example!) A boy learns to wash his face and hands, comb his hair, and put on a clean shirt.

This small act shows respect for the meal, the cook, and the company. It’s not only about hygiene but about respect.

Even as babies, I start them on this habit by helping them learn to wash up and dress before breakfast, and giving them baths and clean pajamas before nursery supper in the kitchen when they are little. And I plan time to change into dinner clothes and make myself look nice before dinner into my schedule as part of my daily routine.

2. Seat the Ladies First

A well-mannered boy learns to pull out a chair for his mother, sister, or any other female guest at the table before taking his own seat.

This emphasizes respect for women and reinforces the idea that good manners involve looking out for others before yourself.

3. Put Your Napkin on Your Lap

The first thing a well-mannered child or adult should do at the table is unfold their napkin and place it on their lap.

It’s a way to remind yourself that mealtime has begun and that you are prepared to eat with care and engage with others at the table.

4. Wait to Start Eating

No one should dig in right away!

Wait until the hostess starts. That way you won’t be embarrassed by missing saying grace or starting before everyone is served. This teaches patience and consideration, hallmarks of proper etiquette.

If you teach this early, it becomes second nature.

5. Sit Still and Straight and Keep Your Elbows Off the Table

A child should remain seated throughout the meal, sitting up straight without slouching. He should not hop onto or out of his chair at every distraction. He should wait to have items passed to him. And he should keep his elbows tucked in. Elbows belong at your sides, not on the table or waving out like chicken wings. It’s a matter of respect for space.

6. Chew with Your Mouth Closed

Everyone, including children, should chew quietly, with their mouths closed, and never speak while eating. Not only does this make mealtimes more pleasant, but it’s also a simple way to demonstrate respect for those around them–by not making them nauseated.

7. Don’t Complain About the Food

Whatever is served should be met with gratitude.

Teach your child that making rude comments about anything they are given, whether a meal or a gift, is impolite and disrespectful to the person who cared enough to prepare or give it.

If they don’t care for something, they should quietly leave it on their plate without fuss. Similarly, if they are given something they don’t like in any circumstance, they should simply leave it quietly alone or put away.

8. Ask, Don’t Reach

Teach your child to say, “Please pass the salt,” instead of reaching across the table.

In Victorian times, reaching out for anything that wasn’t RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU was considered greedy, but now, it is more about reaching far enough that others are not inconvenienced by helping you, but not far enough to stand out of your seat or invade another’s space.

This reinforces respect for others’ personal space and keeps the table from becoming too chaotic.

9. Engage in Polite Conversation

Encourage your child to chat with everyone at the table. Conversation at the table is not only an opportunity to share thoughts and experiences but also a chance to demonstrate refinement and respect for others.

When I say “chat with everyone at the table,” I mean polite, engaging conversation that enriches the shared meal. Practice listening, not interrupting, and not carrying on side conversations, especially while others are talking.

One mid-century mentor, Luella Cuming, in The Luella Cuming Studio Course in Social Awareness, Poise, and Gracious Living, wisely observes that some topics should be left unsaid. These include income, politics, health, bodily functions, age, love affairs, intimate habits, and family scandals.

Teach your child to avoid long-winded stories, personal disclosures, or topics that make others uncomfortable. Instead, encourage them to listen attentively and respond with thoughtful comments.

Avoid interrogative questions, which can come across as prying. Instead, show interest subtly—a warm tone or a gentle prompt will signal your willingness to listen without being intrusive.

Good small talk takes balance. Use family meals to help your child practice this delicate balance. Show them how to make others feel valued while maintaining a sense of decorum.

10. Avoid Rude Noises

Burping, slurping, and other rude noises are unacceptable at the table. So are foul language and crude or violent stories.

In fact, you should teach your children that those things are always taboo, around every adult! Explain that such behaviors are disrespectful to others, diminish the child’s dignity, and give him a bad reputation.

11. Ask to Be Excused and Thank the Host

When finished eating, your child should wait until the adults are finished and only then politely ask, “May I be excused?” before leaving the table.

This not only shows respect for the family but is a good way to begin teaching self-discipline.

A well-mannered guest waits until the hostess is done and excuses herself; he does not ask to be excused unless there is an emergency.

And, whether the meal is at home or someone else’s house, a well-mannered child always thanks the host or cook. A simple, heartfelt “Thank you for the lovely meal” will suffice. Do not attempt fulsome and effusive compliments or allow your appreciation to effervesce. Simply be simple.

13. Offer to Help Clear the Table

Finally, teach your child to offer assistance with clearing the table and washing up. Even as a guest. A hostess will usually say, “No,” but the act of asking is one of the better manners for children.

At home, children definitely should have chores, and washing up is an excellent place to start teaching those routines.

Raising Old-Fashioned Kids

With time. good examples, and high expectations, mealtimes become a training ground for character, just as they should be in any well-ordered home.

Teaching your children polished table manners is a rewarding journey that equips them with lifelong social skills. But good books on etiquette are also invaluable. My favorite all-around etiquette books are Emily Post’s original Etiquette and Lily Haxworth Wallace’s New American Etiquette. Both include chapters on teaching your children good manners and what to teach them.

And for practical, step-by-step help with how to raise an old-fashioned child without abuse or overwhelm, I recommend Dr. John Rosemond’s book, The Well-Behaved Child.